Bring Back Buck

by David Meech (consistently not selected over decades)

Forget about inflation, the housing crisis, tomatoes at $13 a kilo, homeless people, Kate Hawkesby’s swimming pool and the meth induced rising crime rate, we are losing All Black tests here.

In case you haven’t heard by now!

This is a national crisis and part of the confusion lies around red and yellow cards. When is a red card a yellow card? The answer is simple. A yellow card is a red card if a dangerous tackle is made under the terms of Section 9.12, unless Barmy Barnes is the referee, then it’s a yellow card, but not on a Tuesday, or in an All Black match, or when England play Ireland (then it’s a red), or if Bundee Aki is involved in a clearout involving a clearly visible shoulder charge.

Then it’s no card at all.

We went through all this at the 2007 World Cup with that forward pass. Remember – when is a forward pass not a forward pass? Get over it will you, even though a refereeing blunder that my ten year old boy called out cost us an entire World Cup, millions of sponsorship dollars and endless self-doubt as a nation, which my wife and therapist says I am probably over by now.

Okay, sorry I kicked the dog.

Clearly it was Brodie Retallick’s fault that he fractured his cheek bone. If only he had assumed the correct John Cleese Ministry of Silly Walks body position as pointed out by these incredibly informed English fans on Facebook. The ones that rarely complain about anything. Why is the ball carrier leading his head into a tackle when obviously he should be upright with his head on backwards and jumping up into the air intermittently to avoid any contact from the Northern Hemisphere? How can a 6 foot 6 inch giant lean all the way down and make deliberate head contact if clearly he was not cheating by running around with his head out in front like an unhinged hobbit?

He should have been running backwards.

I blame the Labour Party. For years Soviet style socialism has been eating away at our front row. What have they even done to solve global price increases and the Ukrainian War?  Or monkey pox? Nope, Jacinda planned this all along together with Bill Gates.

Look this country has gone to hell in a hand basket. We may as well start pronouncing the “l” in salmon now.

As for Bundee Aki’s clear out on Ofa there were mitigating circumstances there. The mitigating circumstances were that it was Barmy Barnes making any calls and also Bundee came in from from the correct hemisphere. No need to get Ofa checked for concussion as that might hold the game up momentarily over in the U.K.

Let’s talk coaches now. It’s not like historically the worst job you could ever get would be as coach of the All Blacks. It’s not like we have high expectations or anything. We just want them to win every game against every opposition on any playing field in any given year and also the World Cup. Whilst being consistent World Champions all of the time.

How simple is that?

It’s not like we have a vast, unmitigated history of ruthlessly undermining All Black coaches or anything. We never had this problem with John Mitchell, Laurie Mains, John Hart or Graham Henry did we? And now suddenly All Black coaches are coming under fire here?

It just makes no sense.

There are only four areas that need to be worked on; the running, the passing, the kicking and the tackling. The haka was pretty good.

Part of the winning formula as an All Black coach is to say very little, if anything at all when interviewed. No need to lie, just say barely anything. Shag had this down to a tee, and to make it sweeter he actually mumbled most of what he did say, so that it was barely audible anyway.

That way people argue away over what they thought he said when no one was actually sure of what he did say.

Suggested All Black coaching gems:

“Clearly we have some work to do.”

(No shit Sherlock.)

“There is plenty to work on.”

“I’m confident that our guys will be ready.”

“It was a game of two halves…”

 (Well yes Einstein, every game tends to be a game of two halves)…

Look, we are all in this together and the solution is simple: just build more rugby stadiums. We need heaps more rugby stadiums – just don’t take any games away from Eden Park alright? But get those stadiums built, especially the one with the beautiful view of the Waitemata Harbour when you stand on the very top of the  seating and look out over the walls.

And please, no gib board involved.

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