Look I’ve just hopped off the phone with the Premier and I’m afraid we need another quick referendum. Barry, stop fidgeting please and turn your mike on. As all you lefty journo losers will recall, last month the flag was changed as the old one was too colonial – and being colonial is simply not cool anymore. We need to stand proud as a courageous young nation and not be hidebound into telling the stories of our colonial forefathers. And look, I think most New Zealanders will agree with me on this one. We need to go boldly forwards and to proudly tell our own stories of who we are, what we are capable of and exactly what we stand for.
Which is all cool – now that the Lord of the Rings is all over. And what a great story written by a British author and based on Celtic traditions that was. Lovely accents on those actors too weren’t they? Look, we don’t need to be out there in the foreground like some big, fat Dotcom gobbling up all the big money, do we? No, we are a humble race of dwarfs who punch beyond our weight, simply content to lurk about in the background stabbing each other in the back over our little wee revised contracts. In fact, and I think Sir Peter will agree with me on this one, around about $13 an hour, no gst and the odd meat pie will pretty much suffice. And none of those shiny, golden gongs for our actors thank-you very much.
We don’t need that kind of tall poppy around here – do we Eleanor?
So let’s press on and forge a bright new future.
Clearly it makes sense to change. In general most immigrants came here to avoid the awful cesspit that was their war-ravaged republic. Well they now want to make New Zealand more like the unlivable cesspool of a republic that they just left, because apparently, it was all so unlivable that they were forced to leave it and then come over here and then to change New Zilland to be more like the place they just left because look it’s all so colonial over here and that makes them a wee bit uncomfortable. Well it makes sense doesn’t it Barry? That’s what we fought for. Definitely not some silly old flag. Some of these immigrants bring some good coin into the country as well, and Banksie’s been quick off the mark on that score. Citizens have been struggling of late to keep up with all the changes; not the least of which is the fact that you might be renting your flat off the daughter of some Communist Party bureaucrat, the Communists are all now Capitalists, the Capitalists are all on Corporate welfare, parts of our country are now owned by the Russian Mafia and also the fact that your average Auckland City taxi driver is remarkably better qualified than most of our senior management.
Look sorry Gerry, but that’s the way it is. And I think most Cantabrians will agree with me on this one.
Look just leave the pies alone will you?
Since it has been brought to our notice that use of the word “Zealand” contravenes the fine print of a sub-clause in the Chinese Free Trade Agreement, we need to kind of, well y’know, change it completely. It’s imperialist. Imperialistic and colonial. Even though we were a colony. Yes, I can see good old Simon nodding his head on this one. We can’t use “Zealand” as that’s just a wee bit colonial. Can we Barry? That’s why we flagged our silly old flag. We need our own “Zealand”. Being the New “Zealand” serves no clear purpose, as we run the risk of being confused with someone else’s country. Or bit of a country. And I think most Zeelanders will agree with me on this one. That would be like climbing some mountain and then planting someone else’s flag on top of it. Does anyone even remember who the old Zealanders were anyway? They certainly haven’t kept in contact over the past two hundred years have they? No, they didn’t even pop in for a quick barbie and to say gidday, so stuff those old Zealanders, who needs them, let’s forge on with some wealthier and newer New Zealanders and stop being so damned colonial and confusing.
And I’m sure most of the Crafar Farm bidders will agree with me on this one.
Look, I blame the Labour Party. Lefty losers, who is their leader now by the way? Anyone know? Got all this Barry? Underline it. Don’t make us search your wardrobe again. What are your plans for the TPPA by the way? Staying in both of you I hope.
So anyway, here are the choices we have chosen for you to choose. Always make good choices. Loosers made bad choices. Got that Barry? Tell your wife. Remember, under this new style of democracy*, or as we call it, “your bright New future”, you are clearly allowed any choice you like amongst any one of the carefully chosen choices that I have chosen for you all to choose. Any choice but make it the right choice. Make sure you hop in and vote for one of these clever choices, otherwise don’t gripe about it all afterwards. Lefties. Remember that silly old flag? Colonial wasn’t it? Don’t worry, it’s all democratic and I’m sure the Premier will agree with me on this and look between you and I, you don’t even need to be a citizen to vote. That’s how open this whole thing is. So just make sure you hop in and choose the right one, and stop going on and on about all the hungry schoolchildren, you lefty losers over there talking to Barry.
Right now here are the choices that need to be decided upon;
Look guys, I can tell you right now, you need to get over yourselves and stop living in the past. Build a bridge or something – and I think most permanent residents will agree with me on this one. Even if this one gets chosen, don’t worry too much as we can always bung in another quick referendum and choose some more choices to choose and then fix it all up again afterwards. Like the Seabed and Foreshore deal.
Not that I am trying to influence the vote.
2) New Christmas Island.
Now this one was put on the table by those Aussies. Nice and Christmassy isn’t it? The advantages here would be the burgeoning population that comes along with it, but I think most people will agree with me on this one, we probably have enough wealthy criminals as it is. And I’m sure old Dotty would agree with me on that one. You have to be careful about the quality of immigration, Maurice found that out last year. So did the Aussies, didn’t they? Haha! And old Angela poor old thing!
Look should we trust those old convicts anyway? I don’t think so, and I think the Blackcaps would all agree with me on this one.
3) Republic of Ben Yang.
Now this one was suggested to me by my good mate Dongy at a dinner party last year with Crusher and the odd Customs Clearance Officer. It’s pretty flash. Has a nice ring to it. I have to say I like it and I just love the benefits that it could bring in.
Yes, I know – isn’t it? A late entry from the Harawiras. Not sure if it’s everyone’s cup of tea, look let me assure you that, come the revolution, Hone will certainly be the first one to go.
And I think most New Zealanders have already agreed with me on that one.
And look, his mum better not be wearing pig-tails next February.
5) Poontang Central.
This was Len’s idea. Poor old Len, he got a wee bit carried away with the room upgrades didn’t he?
So remember to vote, it’s your choice – no, really it is!*
Now let’s look forward to a bright, new future shall we?*
And I think your all going to agree with me on this one!
President, Republic of Whatever it is going to be but look I like No.3, and so do Dan and Richie.
Barry, did you get all that?
* Subject to any concurrent or impending Free Trade Agreements.