A DETAILED OVERVIEW ON THE HYMEN-CENTRIC RELIGIONS (Satire published newlondonwriters.com February 2015)

“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).

With apologies to Jews, Christians, Muslems, Maori, British, women, donkeys, Americans, freedom fighters, bearded people, virgins or Liverpool fans.

Religions have always been problematic – kind of like having a wee invisible friend; this excellent guide assists in selecting which cult is best for you or your child, should you be needing to quickly get them done. In addition, which eternal warranty card might be most suitable in the long run, given both the inherent redundancy in our belief systems and the outright fickleness of human nature?

First of all the Big 3. There are always the Big 3 – so guys the Liverpool, Man. United and Chelsea of religions are Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Kind of like the Pricewaterhousecoopers, Ernst and Young or KPMG of belief systems, these guys hold the virtual monopoly on truth. Do not mess around with them on any account. Some people however are the product of mixed marriages, such as Woody Allen whose mother was an atheist and father an agnostic.

And an O.H.S. warning here people. Handling any of this stuff carelessly may endanger your life or result in serious physical harm. Use carefully and in moderate doses. Use of these products may not necessarily enable you to fly, walk on water or make you smell of roses: individual results may vary. Do not stand, sit or lean on the fence.

Now the first thing about the big three is that there are many things in common between them. Do not fall into the trap however of thinking that they are really just the same old information regurgitated into different versions. Far from it. They are all so separate and distinct, it’s awesome. I asked each of these religions individually if they were the one and true path and they all confirmed individually that yes, indeed, they are. Just because they have a whole lot of points in common does not mean that they can’t pass their time bickering and arguing amongst themselves.

Similarities Amongst the Hymen-Centric Abrahamic Religions;

Beards.

Unclean women.

Virgins.

Wicked sins of naughty women.

Re-spawning to various levels of afterlife with a bonus point system. (Think of it as a very exclusive nightclub.)

Stoning wicked women to death. (Deuteronomy in the Bible by the way.)

Unrelenting and persistent focus on women’s hymens.

Stoning wicked women lightly, so that they don’t quite die, but they do get a little bit bloody and bruised yet fully realising who’s their daddy.

Tything.

Slight variations on Women’s hymens:

Virgin now I’m here now I’m not scheme –  Christianity.

Virgin pricing schedule –  Judaism.

Virgin flybuy award – Islam.

Abraham. (All the big three are called Abrahamic by the way. Don’t let that lead you astray and think that the big three are all actually similar deals, they are not. I told you that before. Concentrate.)

A lot of stuff about love, light and peace and long lists of rules – this is the boring stuff but nice to bicker about. In fact there is so much light in the Q’uran that at times it turns nasty, completely burning up the unbelievers.

Moses.

Jesus as a Prophet.

Revenge.

Controlled lethal violence on massive scales, including but not limited to: lightening, flash floods, towers falling down and killing people.

Higher if at times confusing moral order.

Men being in control of everything including, but again not limited to, women’s hymens.

Precise instructions about the stoning of women.

Food and when it is unclean.

Getting unclean women away from the clean food.

Getting them back again; covering up the fact that they are sexy as hell, yet still making them available for the husband as and when required, provided that the state of her hymen falls squarely within acceptable parameters; and making sure that they still have time to get the housework done.

The need for the husband to be in control at all times (did I already say that?)

Cousins and when you can marry them – yehaar.

Focus on the fact that, although things are pretty crap now, all will be good in the afterlife.

A vast array of domestic chattels in a precise general hierarchy;

Donkeys. (The most important one as Jesus turned up on one of these.)

Sheep.

Goats.

Women.

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Don’t go falling into the presumption that Christianity is merely some pale version of Judaism; and that Judaean Jews, being Semites, are simply another version of uppity Arabs whose closest genetic match are in fact Palestinian Arabs: which is why there seem to be so many Jews in the Q’uran. That would be as ridiculous as a pregnant mother using her unborn baby as a shield. It would also mean that Israelis are in fact shelling their distant cousins, and vice versa, which is outrageous. If you feel that way then you are assessing things from too wide a focus and you need to move in closer, beneath all the stones, bullets, missiles and drones and focus on the real differences here. I would not call myself in any way familiar with Islam on any level apart from that jigsaw puzzle app on my mobile phone. Being a Kiwi however, in our marvelous do-it-yourself tradition that so cleverly seems to slip right in under that big old radar of quality, I will not let that stop me from going ahead and fully exploring the area. Hopefully I don’t upset any Muslems eh – nah, should be fine. Forgive and forget I say. Like the Jews, they’ve been good about the Catholics eagerly rounding them up and handing them over to the Nazis. Christians are good like that, always willing to apologise once things have been fully squared away.

What I do know is that if you want to sound knowledgeable about Muslims, then try spelling it Muslem; people will assume then that you know what you are talking about. Pronounce it that way too – stops people from questioning your authority.

The aim of Muslems (see that?), is to come over here and little by little, make Godzone more and more like the stinking, war-infested bomb zone they just left because it was slightly dysfunctional and dangerous. See how that works? Most Muslems appear to be extremely well-qualified taxi drivers. Judging by their driving, there are little or no road rules throughout their region and certainly no well indicated U-turns.  Islam is frankly the Liverpool of the Big Three – noisy, rowdy, difficult to understand and at times, violent.  They are also the youngest of the religions. They are frankly war mongers, unlike the British Christians who nicely went ahead and civilised some 140 countries – apart from some 22 overlooked areas like Mongolia, the Vatican and Sweden. (There is still time however.) This is the main problem with Islam – the British put so much damned hard work into global civilisation, even arriving at the Holy Lands and putting a lot of effort into clearing away Jews and Muslems, so that the land could become Holy again. Don’t get the idea that just because they were all living in the same land that Jews, Christians and Muslems are related. They are not. I told you that. Jews and Muslems just happened to be double parked in the loading zone of the righteous.

Muslems are fairly staunch on unbelievers;

Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah loveth not transgressors. And slay them wherever ye catch them, and turn them out from where they have turned you out; for tumult and oppression are worse than slaughter; but fight them not at the Sacred Mosque, unless they (first) fight you there; but if they fight you, slay them. Such is the reward of those who suppress faith. But if they cease, Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.

The meaning of this is clear – pay that taxi fare when asked.

Later on we needed to get the Jews out of Europe and back into their own stinking cesspit, so we went ahead and cleared away the Muslems out of Judea and gave it back to the Jews. Muslems seemed to have moved back into the loading zone while the Jews were away. Don’t confuse Jews with Israelis though. Jews are not responsible for shooting white phosphorous at children and burning their faces off. That was the Israelis. Jews cannot be responsible for this and the Jews were persecuted, so now we gave them their own little corner so that they could practice racial segregation, mixed marriage laws, labelling of individuals to restrict movement and the gassing of Palestinian children with white phosphorous. This is all so they can practice their religion of love and the and pursuit of peace.

Most of the terrorists in our media today are Arabs. Don’t be confused about terrorism, though it can get complicated. Terrorists are brown people not selling oil. When American doctors who took the Hippocratic oath are busy waterboarding bewildered Arabs at Guantanamo Bay, that is not terrorism. That is the war on terrorism. Similarly when Paul Revere rode around plotting against his own people (they were British at the time), they were not insurgents; they were freedom fighters. When Americans dug tunnels in their Civil War it was for freedoms; Palestinian tunnels are not for freedoms; they tunnel for terrorism. The Kurds that we are arming in the struggle against ISIS were sadly called terrorists last year; this year they are freedom fighters. Someone needs to bring the Germans up to speed on this as they still have the Kurds on the naughty list. Remember the Kurds? Saddam, when he was a terrorist, gassed the Kurds with anthrax, which seems to have been bought from the Dow Corporation, before Saddam became a terrorist. Donald Rumsfeld stood up in Congress and defended the right to sell anthrax to Saddam, who at the time was helping in the fight for freedoms against Iran – who don’t have as much oil and were murderous terrorists by the way. Later, when Saddam stopped selling us oil, and he became difficult to get on with, we developed LinkedIn contacts with the Saudis who, as chance would have it, are soaking in oil. The Saudis, capable of beheading whole rooms full of people, were assisting in the worldwide struggle for freedoms.

Do you see the common thread in all of this? That’s right – Muslems are capable of being untrustworthy warmongers and we must be ever vigilant against their bile.

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Muslems are at times uncivilised, lacking the refined intellectual concepts of Western civilisation, such as the right to liberte d’expression by drawing pictures of black women as monkeys and hook-nosed Jews or Arabs being anally penetrated. They get touchy over that. Other races tend to misunderstand this pure, unfettered right to freedom of speech. Muslems can unfortunately be murderous.The French amply demonstrated this in their noble march for Charlie Hebdo, silently slipping past the tiny wee plaque marking the spot at St. Michel bridge where the Vichy French police chief dumped the rotting bodies of some 300 or so French Algerians into the river Seine in 1961 . Bloody good those French canals – which still remain functional, despite vast quantities of Jews and Algerians dumped into them, (together with the odd 1998 text book on the subject).

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Jesus was King of the Jews. That’s confusing because Christians don’t focus on that but, turns out, he was actually a Christian, who happened to be King of the Jews. Weird huh? They just seemed to have elected a white guy (with a very small nose) as King, and as I said before, don’t get the idea that this means anything. He just happened to live in a Jewish town. Could have been in Eskimo land but no, just happened to speak Aramaic and to live in Judea. By coincidence he also happened to follow precise Jewish customs like worshiping on the Sabbath and Passover. Later on we switched to Sundays when Christianity was exported to Rome, but that was because the Roman Emporer got confused between Jesus and the pagan sun god. This is another steady theme in history – things tend to get fully screwed up whenever Italians get involved. (See W.W.II, the Invasion of Ethiopia and the European Union.)

Later, following a slight mistranslation of the Greek word “Zealot”, we needed to massacre or evict vast quantities of Jews from civilised nations. This was because we understood that they were the killers of Christ, who as I said before, was not Jewish but was a civilised Christian. Oops.

Did you ever delight in the statistical probability of respawning in exactly the small percentage of global real estate that just happens to be practicing the one and true faith? Cool eh? And yes, it can be problematic at times for Christians to cobble together even non-binding agreement over the hard and fast details of worship; such as the actual name of God; how to worship; and what the rules are. All fairly staunch on the hymen thing however, and of course on the intermittent need to consistently stone women because they are naughty, unclean or sexy.

Christianity is a separate religion from Judaism. Did I mention that? It just happens that the first part of the bible, the Old Testament (where everyone is shouting a lot), is in fact what the Jews read in their Torah. We are not Jews though are we? We are Christians; don’t forget that. We couldn’t become Jews anyway as we are circumscribed from doing so. We just keep bumping into those Jews all the time. Christianity is an amazing, loving religion and the source of the tsunami of Christian real estate agents who later discovered New Zealand with its Maori inhabitants, civilised it, teaching the Maori how to look after their women; while at times rooting the odd Maori ourselves. Turns out Maori were disrespecting women through not maintaining their hymens properly and, though entertaining on the guitars at barbecues, they needed civilising. Yes the Spanish and Dutch had already reached New Zealand but, despite the fact that they were desperately thirsty and hungry after vast ocean voyages of thousands of miles, they were actually too scared and wussy to step onto the land and claim it for their Kings. Imagine how thirsty they must’ve been after that long voyage? New Zealand has a huge coastline and the population of wild savages was not that large, yet apparently, there was nowhere that these cowardly foreign losers could find to plant a flag. So they were too scared to press their little wee  toes into the sand and took off again, leaving behind the odd helmet or anchor. Lucky for us eh!

Damn where was I? Getting off track here. Abraham. Moses. Those guys rock. Fully awesome with big flowing beards. Deep voices. Not evil beards though like you see on those extremist dudes. Nope – nice, gentle, flowing, clean beards redolent of peace, love and harmony. Not prickly or anything. Not extremist, fundamentalist, itchy, non-conditioned, dry beards. These are separate religions remember. I told you that before. Pay attention okay?

Yeah Abraham. The Old Testament is relevant to New Zealand with a lot of shouting, sheep and inbreeding. Now Abraham had a son by his half-sister. Kind of like Deliverance – but no banjos. This is why Christianity is big in remote places like Tasmania or the Appalachian Mountains. Abraham is also, just by mere chance, father of the Jewish nation. Doesn’t mean anything – don’t get me started. And yes that is the annoying part of the Bible – too many Jewish names. God tested Abraham and tested his faith. Abraham, though slightly hairy and loose in the old marital department, came through a winner, eventually ejaculating in precisely the right area at the right time. Much of these religions are in fact tightly centred around this area. He was the father of all the nation. And I mean all of the nation. Don’t get into the details though okay? Yeehar!

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Moses or Moshe is in all three religions and remember I told you how separate and distinct these religions are? In Judaism Moses is the Giver of the Law. Not so in Christianity however. Completely different. For us he is the Law Giver. See that? Did you catch it? These are the details we need to focus on. Don’t overestimate the similarities here. Keep in mind the vast differences. Most of the Old Testament concerns begetting in amongst all the sheep. A lot of begetting went on. The men were prepared for it. They were tired, but they knew the parameters. This is what religion often means – keeping hymens in perfect shape so that they can later be pummelled or mutilated by some stinky old bearded dude.

So anyhow, God went first to the Egyptians and said “You need a commandment” in a deep throaty voice. “What is a commandment?” asked the Egyptians, sideways out of the corner of their mouths (you mostly find Egyptians sneaking sideways through history). “Well” said God, “It’s like THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY”. The Egyptians walked around sideways for a bit and then replied,”No way that would ruin our weekends”.

Next God went to the Assyrians. “You need a commandment from God”, he said. “What is a commandment oh hairy one?” asked the Assyrians.  “Well”, said God, “It’s like THOU SHALT NOT STEAL”. “No way”, said the Assyrians. “That would completely ruin the economy”.

Next God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. “How much?” asked the Jews. “Well they are free”, said God. Quick as a flash the Jews said, “Excellent, we’ll take ten”.

Well that’s pretty much all you have to know for now. Remember – never believe Jews or Muslems and their versions of faith – as it sounds unreliable and I think they might tell fibs. Our lofty ideals of freedoms of speech never seemed to appeal to them; stay staunch and focus on this little quote from Moses which is really what everything is about;

“Thou shalt not kill”.

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