By David Meech.
This is a public service announcement. It is 10.05 a.m. and the current Prime Minister is …oh okay some bloke by the name of Scott Morrison. Further news as it comes to hand. Make sure you write that name down – don’t bother memorising it though.
Herewith we attach the new, revised Australian citizenship test. Please ensure that you get all 12 multi choice questions right before you can call yourself a true blue Aussie. Do test yourself as this is important to uphold the important institutions of the Australian democratic tradition.*
* Subject to any impending free trade agreements or mining accords.
Q1. Name three people who have not yet had a crack as Prime Minister.
a) Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard and Paul Keating.
b) Tony Abbott, Malcolm Turnbull and Scott Morrison.
c) Ernie Dingo, Russell Crowe and Bindi.
Q2. What is the game of two-up all about?
a) A gambling game made popular by the Diggers involving two tossed coins.
b) A big night out that began with Shane Warne, his best mate, some stray beers and a false Tinder account.
c) A recent political strategy involving Peter Dutton, Scott Morrison and Julie Bishop whereby women were completely cut out of the Coalition leadership race.
Q3. What is the Big Dry?
a) When Barnaby Joyce’s wife instructed him to ease up on all the overtime.
b) A long, dry spell when Australian farmers were utterly abandoned by people they once thought were their friends.
c) Michael Cheika’s longterm Bledisloe Cup Strategy.
Q4. Who is the most UnAustralian?
a) Henry Lawson, when he wrote, “The South Star shall rise, in the lurid clouds of war.”
b) John Coyne, Australian veteran, who wrote an article entitled’ “Why I won’t go to the official dawn service anymore.” https://www.smh.com.au/opinion/anzac-carnival-devalues-the-sacrifices-of-serving-veterans-20160420-goaww6.html
c) Yassmin Abdel-Magied, who tweeted two lines about suicidal refugees and is Muslim.
Q5. Who is more likely to buy Australian?
a) James Packer.
b) Cate Blanchett.
c) Chinese Premier Xi Jinping.
Q6. Australia’s National Waste Strategy rests on;
a) The Climate Denial Policy.
b) Deporting as many Maori bikers as possible.
c) Bringing a wee cloth bag down to Coles.
Q7. Young Australians can best enter the real estate market by;
a) Moving North to Papua New Guinea.
b) Cutting down on avocados. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/15/australian-millionaire-millennials-avocado-toast-house
c) Renting a bedsit off the daughter of a Chinese billionaire.
Q8. The most lethal predators in Australia are;
a) Enormous roaming gangs of Sudanese migrants.
b) Leather-loafered, blue-suited real estate agents from Queensland.
c) The entire front and back benches of the Liberal-National Coalition, but maybe also crocodiles.
d) The coastal taipan with the red-bellied black snake.
Q9. Which is warmer?
a) Bondi Beach.
b) Barnaby Joyce’s deskpad.
c) Peter Dutton’s smile.
d) Tony Abbott’s budgie smugglers.
Q10. What represents the biggest threat to Australian society today?
a) Australian men, since 34 women were killed in 27 weeks. https://womensagenda.com.au/latest/34-australian-women-violently-killed-this-year-3-were-murdered-on-saturday/
b) Scott Morrison, when he whispered, “I am right behind you all the way Malcolm.”
c) Some twelve year old kid on Manus Island.
Q11. Which show has the lowest ratings?
a) Survivor Australia.
b) Game of Thrones.
c) Parliament of Australia.
Q12. What needs changing the most?
a) That racist bit in the Constitution.
b) Pauline Hanson’s hairdo.
c) The latest and most up to date Prime Minister.
Copyright David Meech. All Rights reserved. This is satire and I am not in Australia so you cannot deport me.